Sat Naam Ji
Dandauth Bandhna ji,
Dear ParBrahm Parmeshwar Ji, SatGur Parmeshwar ji,
Dear Dassan Dass Ji , Baba ji, Sat Sangat Ji,
we are full of the five thieves, we lose our cool at the slightest pressure, we have no good qualities,
we are just repeating what we have heard from gurbani and Satguru ji, we have no useful wisdom of our own.
With pressed palms SatGuru ji we would like you to show us why we are so angry, why on the surface we are sweet,
but it doesn't take much for us to shout at the kids and get annoyed.
Satguru ji we would like to know why we have such a thick blanket of anger around our atma, that when we even sit for simran
we only stay in the darkness.
Satguru ji with your kirpa we need to find out what we are really still angry about, even though we cannot think of anything off the top of our head.
So with your kirpa ji we will scan through our life.
Perhaps we are still angry that our father was so strict, he didn't hit us, but he controlled us very well. which meant we didnt live out our desires
to have relationships and pursue a career that seemed more intersting to us at that time.
Perhaps we are angry that we were always alienated whilst growing up, having to live with two identities, one at home of a good sikh boy with a top-knot and
later on a turban. And the other identity outside of wanting to be accepted by other our peers.
Years of that kind of growing up has made us very different from people in society, we have never been able to really trust anyone deep down or form any kind of deep long lasting relationship outside of our family.
Perhaps we are angry at all the unfulfilled desires we had, all the things that didnt happen as we wanted, all the times we got rejected for marraige,
all the struggles with relgion, with parents with other PEOPLE!!
Perhaps we are angry that when we became religious at 18, we didnt meet our Satguru then and had to wait 16 more years going through all the dead ends of religion.
Perhaps we are angry that other people are racing ahead in spirituality but we are still sitting here wrapped in a thick blanket of anger and ego.
Angry at other people for not following our ideas, wether it was in sangat or in the meditation classes or at work.
Perhaps we are angry that the children are not listening to us, not being helpful so somewhere in me there is the feeling that I am losing control of them as well,
that no one in this familiy and friend circle (except sangat) is interested in what i am interested in and no one can understand it.
Perhaps I am angry that this feels like a dead-end so many times, that I am just a hamster in a cage, going around in my daily activities with no end in sight.
Perhaps even thugh everything is good and stable and all issues are resolved, I am still looking for more meaning to life than that and finding that this spiritual search has been very long and very tiring now, even with all the good knowledge and good sangat , it feels like we are still at the beginniing.
I dont know if these are the things I am still angry about deep down - although we thought we had dealt with all of this stuff over the last few years, but then why do i lose my cool under slightest stress from the kids. Why do i find it hard to be loving and kind fromdeep donw in my heart? Why do i find it hard to say i love anyone - Ranjit Ji said it a few times in sangat and really meant it, but i have not got that in me. What is love anyway? When we were teenagers we fell in love many times!! And were disappointed many times - all in our imagination. Maybe we have lost faith in other people and have lost faith in the word love and have been looking for true love since then, but except for few glimpses have not got that either. We know we are surrounded by people who really do love us - our kids , wife , parents , sister, but we cant say we love anyone truly deeply from deep down. It seems we are just fulfilling our worldy duty towards everyone, we care deeply about them when they are ill and when we pray for them.
Maybe i am just angry because I get angry!!!!
This is a beautiful shabad from Guru Arjun Dev ji - it really makes us feel humble, it is from God for us
Dust of your feet
Harjit
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