Sat Naam Ji
Dandauth Bandhana Ji.
This was a reply to someone, hope this helps others too.
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thankyou so much for emailing, its really good to be able to put down in words how we feel, otherwise the mind
can really grind us down. We can really relate to what you are feeling through what has happened to us and our sister
and other people we know. The first thought that comes to us is that "why do parents have to be so narrow minded?" "why cant they be happy when their child falls in love and is happy and wants to express that?" Why do they want to put an innocent child through the grindstone? What is more important to them than the happiness of their child?
Its normally for two reasons a) they are so used to being your protectors that they think you have not chosen well, and b)
they want to choose for you in order to protect their reputation and status in society.
they want to choose for you in order to protect their reputation and status in society.
Whilst you as an innocent heart do not worry about either of those things, they do. So a good place to start is to really put yourself in their shoes and see where they are coming from. you dont have to agree with their viewpoint or what they say, but just step into their shoes and really feel how they must be feeling. And how strong these feelings are within them. To understand someone else deeply is a gift. Then you can stop seeing them as your enemies or as obstacles and just apreciate some of the good points eg its not bad to have someone looking out for you, they do have life experience. And yes you can understand that they want to get you married into a good suitable family so you will have a good stable happy family life. So you can appreciate their intentions are good towards you. That they do love you and care about you.
However, the way the go about it isnt very good. They fall into the same trap that they dont know how to communicate with their children. So they revert to "do as we say or dont come back" typical indian film drmatics. Our parents did the same thing with us as well!! So because you are kind, you can forgive them for their lack of communication skills and just appreciate their good intentions towards you.
It is important to do this, otherwise you will start seeing your parents as your enemies and if they make you chose between them or who you love, you may chose them this time and next time, but the third or fourth time you will chose the one you love and run away from your parents because you are sick of their controlling nature. We have expereinced this too. But really you dont have to play their game of choose us or him.
You have to keep focused on the good points of your parents. when they say hurtful things like that, you just say to them "yes i understand that this must be very upsetting for you that is why you say those things. But I still love you mum/dad."
If you do really love this guy and he is good to you and his family is good to you too etc, then you know that you dont want to have a secret relationship, but would like yours and his parents blessings. So you dont want to do things in secret which will give your parents more reasons not to like him. But you can accept that it might take your parents some time to accept him and your decision. So you can work on that overtime in a loving way. Let their negativity go over your head, keep returning positivity.
Baba Ji said to us that the smile on his childrens face is his happiness, not pleasing society. Baba ji said that God is love and the spontaneous love that appears in your heart for another person is the closest God comes into this Earth. so what you are feeling is not bad and God is on your side. However, this is your Karma playing out - do you follow your heart or do you follow your family and society. At your age your parents have too much control over you as you are used to them controlling you since you were a baby and to go against that is too emotionally difficult for you. Parents know that and use emotional blackmail to get you to do what they want. They wont give you their blessings or approval and you feel you cant do anything without their approval. Its a tough place to be. But its all part of growing up, to make your own way in the world, to make a stand for your feelings, to put your heart first even if it means losing your family, friends and society and reputation. However, without a guru it is difficult to do without biting us emotionally, with a guru parents and everyone come around to it eventually.
Hope this is making sense.
Here is what we suggest:
1) what we would advise you to do is to free your mind of everything. Do your Simran and let go of everything - the guy, the parents, the studying, the guilty conscience and anything else that is bothering you. Just relax and for 30 minutes tell your mind that nothing else matters and do your relaxation and simran. Regain your centre, your sense of balance, your peace.
2) Prioritise what is important in your life at this moment eg
First - God-Guru-Sangat as in point 1 - stay centred.
Second - studying and catching up what you have neglected
Third - keeping peace at home so you can study
Fourth- your relationship with this guy. No harm taking more time to get to know him, plus there's no pressure on you to make big decisions overnight. If you are destined to be with him then nothing can stop you, and if you aren't destined to be with him then nothing you do will make it happen. that is why baba ji says KARMA OVERRULES EVERYTHING. Andif you are to be with him for the rest of your life, another 6 months of taking it slowly so it doesnt effect your peace of mind and your peace at home is not a big sacrifice.
It is always good to listen to how you feel. If you dont feel right about doing something NEVER EVER DO IT. Plus when you are not in a balanced peaceful state of mind, NEVER EVER make big decisions. Because they will be the wrong choices. (Talking from expereince!!) So trust in God-Guru and be patient and know that everything happens when it is supposed to happen, not when we want it to happen. So NEVER EVER CHASE MAYA. Chasing desires is chasing MAYA, it only causes pain in the end. When you trust in god-guru and find peace in your heart, then everything will come to you - that is how kind Guru is. You never have to chase anything or anyone, that is the power of Naam. It makes you into a beautiful flower to which the bees come. The flower never chases the bees. You dont need to run after any guy in secret. You dont need to do anything in secret. Get rid of fear, trust in God, be true to your heart, be patient and watch and wait to see how things turn out.
God bless you.
dust of your feet
HArjit
However, the way the go about it isnt very good. They fall into the same trap that they dont know how to communicate with their children. So they revert to "do as we say or dont come back" typical indian film drmatics. Our parents did the same thing with us as well!! So because you are kind, you can forgive them for their lack of communication skills and just appreciate their good intentions towards you.
It is important to do this, otherwise you will start seeing your parents as your enemies and if they make you chose between them or who you love, you may chose them this time and next time, but the third or fourth time you will chose the one you love and run away from your parents because you are sick of their controlling nature. We have expereinced this too. But really you dont have to play their game of choose us or him.
You have to keep focused on the good points of your parents. when they say hurtful things like that, you just say to them "yes i understand that this must be very upsetting for you that is why you say those things. But I still love you mum/dad."
If you do really love this guy and he is good to you and his family is good to you too etc, then you know that you dont want to have a secret relationship, but would like yours and his parents blessings. So you dont want to do things in secret which will give your parents more reasons not to like him. But you can accept that it might take your parents some time to accept him and your decision. So you can work on that overtime in a loving way. Let their negativity go over your head, keep returning positivity.
Baba Ji said to us that the smile on his childrens face is his happiness, not pleasing society. Baba ji said that God is love and the spontaneous love that appears in your heart for another person is the closest God comes into this Earth. so what you are feeling is not bad and God is on your side. However, this is your Karma playing out - do you follow your heart or do you follow your family and society. At your age your parents have too much control over you as you are used to them controlling you since you were a baby and to go against that is too emotionally difficult for you. Parents know that and use emotional blackmail to get you to do what they want. They wont give you their blessings or approval and you feel you cant do anything without their approval. Its a tough place to be. But its all part of growing up, to make your own way in the world, to make a stand for your feelings, to put your heart first even if it means losing your family, friends and society and reputation. However, without a guru it is difficult to do without biting us emotionally, with a guru parents and everyone come around to it eventually.
Hope this is making sense.
Here is what we suggest:
1) what we would advise you to do is to free your mind of everything. Do your Simran and let go of everything - the guy, the parents, the studying, the guilty conscience and anything else that is bothering you. Just relax and for 30 minutes tell your mind that nothing else matters and do your relaxation and simran. Regain your centre, your sense of balance, your peace.
2) Prioritise what is important in your life at this moment eg
First - God-Guru-Sangat as in point 1 - stay centred.
Second - studying and catching up what you have neglected
Third - keeping peace at home so you can study
Fourth- your relationship with this guy. No harm taking more time to get to know him, plus there's no pressure on you to make big decisions overnight. If you are destined to be with him then nothing can stop you, and if you aren't destined to be with him then nothing you do will make it happen. that is why baba ji says KARMA OVERRULES EVERYTHING. Andif you are to be with him for the rest of your life, another 6 months of taking it slowly so it doesnt effect your peace of mind and your peace at home is not a big sacrifice.
It is always good to listen to how you feel. If you dont feel right about doing something NEVER EVER DO IT. Plus when you are not in a balanced peaceful state of mind, NEVER EVER make big decisions. Because they will be the wrong choices. (Talking from expereince!!) So trust in God-Guru and be patient and know that everything happens when it is supposed to happen, not when we want it to happen. So NEVER EVER CHASE MAYA. Chasing desires is chasing MAYA, it only causes pain in the end. When you trust in god-guru and find peace in your heart, then everything will come to you - that is how kind Guru is. You never have to chase anything or anyone, that is the power of Naam. It makes you into a beautiful flower to which the bees come. The flower never chases the bees. You dont need to run after any guy in secret. You dont need to do anything in secret. Get rid of fear, trust in God, be true to your heart, be patient and watch and wait to see how things turn out.
God bless you.
dust of your feet
HArjit
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